Letters From the SMIT Household
Dear Child Protection Services:
My name is Little Button and today I was tortured and abused in my own house by my own mother. When I woke up significantly early this morning (due to difficulty breathing), she pulled me out of bed and carried me downstairs, where she repeatedly forced a dropper full of some absolutely appalling chemical concoction down my throat. Despite my energetic resistance, she managed this assault not 1, not 2, but THREE times, each when I was least expecting it. This attack was completely and utterly unprovoked.
When she had finished this blitzkrieg, she proceeded to ambush my face with a wet cloth in an effort to remove the green crust that I had spent the entire night accumulating in a thick layer around my nose. I screamed and cried out for help, but to no avail. When she had satisfied her sadistic tendencies with my face, she then moved on to my hands with a baby wipe.
At this point, I coughed up a huge loogie and half the medicine she had given me all over the place, and sneezed several more drippy boogers out just for effect. But she would not be deterred. She picked up the box of tissues and began wiping my nose and face until I thought I was surely going to die.
I did get one moment of consolation. Shortly after being placed into my rocking swing, I barfed up all my breakfast and as much medicine as possible, all over myself and the swing. I must admit that I did enjoy playing with the rubber ducky in the bath that followed. But that still does not remedy the situation. I need you at once to send some of your personnel out here and -
Dear Child Protective Services - as Button’s Mom, I have been forced to finish this correspondence as the Benadryl has taken its effect and she has succumbed to slumber for the first time in several hours. However, since she can only breath when sitting upright, and has succeeded in soiling her rocking swing, I am holding her in my other arm as I type. Should you wish to send some of your personnel out here to take over the baby-holding shift for an hour or two, Please. Be. My. Guest.
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Dear Pediatrician,
Thank you for your suggestions to my husband yesterday regarding living through the next few days with a sick baby.
We have initiated the Benadryl treatment and, though the application of said treatment can be hazardous, it does seem to be providing some relief. Namely in the form of sleep, which we could all use.
We regret to inform you, however, that we will be unable to carry out the squirting of saline solution up my daughter’s nose, and then the removal of such solution via the bulb-sucker-thingie. Unfortunately, you neglected to provide us with a prescription for the amount of Valium that would be required to sedate an active and unhappy baby to the point that she would consider allowing us to squirt water up her nose.
With best regards,
SMIT
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Dear Bayer Company,
First, I would like to mention my disappointment with the recent discovery of your misrepresentation in advertising regarding your Flintstones Vitamins WITH IRON. But that really isn’t the point of this letter.
I am writing to ask your consideration in making a vitamin for parents of sick children. With the amount of children I see at the doctor’s office every time I go, I guarantee you would have no difficulty finding a profitable market for this product.
It should, of course, be chocolate flavored for therapeutic relief. I would also suggest including caffeine for all those late nights, early mornings and sleepless in-betweens. Steroids would be a good additive so that said parents could continue to hold their children upright through the entire night.
And you might want to throw in a little marijuana just for good measure.
I look forward to your development of such a product and appreciate your quick response.
Sincerely,
SMIT
