Looking over the past several posts, I realize that I must have sounded a bit like a PMS-ing Eore on the verge of a nervous breakdown.  Every recent post was in the “Feelings” category - like an artist’s first attempt at a depressed-chick album, sitting on the pier clutching her guitar and singing about her last breakup. 

While I totally believe in a blog for the purposes of venting, I hope I didn’t serve as a depressant for you all over the past week.

Last night, for the first night in a week, I got a decent night’s sleep.  I was only awake for about an hour in the middle of the night, and Button slept straight through until almost 6am this morning.

The world, she begins to make sense again.

Over the past several days, I have been having “secret” conversations with my bosses regarding the possibility of working mostly from home.  They were not entirely thrilled about the idea, but yesterday told me that they would be willing to work it out on a part-time basis for half my salary.

On the one hand, this was music to my ears.  See, we’re currently in a financial position where we don’t necessarily need all of my income, but were I to quit completely, we would be in rough shape as far as making the monthly ends meet.

But half-time…that is something that can be done.  And it allows me to stay home with my child three days a week.  My mom and J can pretty easily cover the other two days. 

In addition, it provides me with an easy way out of the rather uncomfortable situation I was trying to handle.  “I’ve decided to stay home so we don’t need a nanny” sounds much better and is less likely to destroy a relationship than “You’re fired because we trust you with our kid.”  Don’t you think?

Yes, I am fully aware that the above paragraph suggests a lot about my cowardice when it comes to confrontation.  I admit that freely, I have come to terms with it, and I’m totally over it.

If you notice, I used the phrase “On the one hand” earlier.  Naturally, that implies that there are two hands and the second hand will not be nearly as manicured as the first.

Basically, I’m sort of having a hard time with the idea of going part time.  Not the being home with Button part, I’m really looking forward to that.  The not being at work part.  I haven’t nailed it down exactly, but something just feels a little weird about it.  I’m not sure if it’s just the change of routine, or the fear of disconnect, or what.

J says I’m just uncomfortable with it because I feel like I’m being demoted.  He’s probably right.  Isn’t it annoying when your spouse seems to know you better than you know yourself?  Yeah.  It is.

Hopefully it’s all in my mind.  It’s just odd because when I make plans for my future and choices, etc. I generally know what “feels” right, and that’s the direction I should go.  Kind of an intuition thing.  That would surprise a lot of people that know me, because in general I’m a very logical person, and don’t put that much stock in the intangible “feeling.”

And it’s confusing me because in this particular situation, NONE of the options feel completely right.  This is the option that “felt” right a few days ago when I was trying to work out a way to make it possible.  But now I just don’t know.

I probably just need to catch up on some more sleep.

This entry was posted on Thursday, May 4th, 2006 at 2:22 pm and is filed under Childcare, Daily, Feeling, Sleep Deprivation. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.