So, in case you’re hiding under a rock somewhere and haven’t heard about what’s going on in the middle east…let me summarize:

Israel: Give us back our soldiers.
Hezbollah: Your mama’s a hampster and yo’ daddy smells of elderberry.
Israel: Then we’ll blast you so hard your ancestors will feel it.
Lebanon: Crap. We just peed ourself.
Iran: Even though we’re not involved and vehemently deny the rumors that your soldiers were delivered to us, if you retaliate, we’ll consider it a declaration of war on Muslims.
Israel: Take this, you bastards!
Hezbollah: Ouch! Here’s one back at ya!
Iran & Syria: Go Hezbollah!
US: Back off, Iran & Syria.
Syria: They started it. They kicked us harder. This is all Israel’s fault. Everything is Israel’s fault. See this zit on my face? It’s Israel’s fault.
Iran: Go Hezbollah! Sock it to the whole United Nations! Take some of the heat off of us for a little bit. Oh, and uh, it’s all Israel’s fault.
US: Go Israel! Exercise your right to defend!
United Nations: Back to last week, we should condemn Israels Gaza Strip actions.
US: Too little too late. That was so last week. And we always stand with Israel (crumple’s UN’s resolution). Besides, everything is Syria’s fault for harboring terrorists. We should make plans to fix their government right after we’re done with Iraq.
UN: (grumble, grumble)
Israel: We’re gonna kill you dead, Hezbollah. Kill every single one of you.
US: Whoa, slow down, Israel. No need to hurt the Lebonese government in your retaliation. Just stick to the terrorists. Like we did in Afganist…I mean, in Iraq…I mean…do as we say, not as we do.
Israel: Dude. The Lebonese government IS the Hezbollah. That’s why they control the area. And now they’re all going to DIE!
US: Oh. Right. Well, play nice.

…And a bonus conversation with the Ambassador from Syria. Actually, this represents conversations with both the Ambassador to the US and the Ambassador to the UN. They both sound exactly the same, so pick an Ambassador, any Ambassador:

Interviewer: Ambassador, is your country preparing for the possibility of attack from Israel?
Ambassador: This is all Israel’s fault.
Interviewer: Um…ok. Does that mean that you are expecting Israel to attack you?
Ambassador: This is all Israel’s fault.
Interviewer: Yes, I believe you mentioned that…
Ambassador: Israel is a bastard spoiled brat that gets to do whatever it wants. They have bigger guns than us.
Interviewer: Ok, thank you for that. But has your country made any attempts at stopping the terrorist groups?
Ambassador: This is all Israel’s fault.
Interviewer: Ambassador, you haven’t answered a single one of my questions. Is your country aiding this Hazbollah terrorist group?
Ambassador: Israel sucks. Down with Israel. This is all Israel’s fault. Everything for the past 60 years has been Israel’s fault. We are the victims.
Interviewer: Ambassador, what is your take on the kidnapping of the Israeli soldiers? Does your country approve of this action?
Ambassador: What soldiers? I don’t see any soldiers. Even if there was a kidnapping, it’s not important. They have Hezbollah prisoners too. But nomatter. The real issue here is that Israel sucks.
Interviewer: Are you saying that the kidnapping of Israeli soldiers is not a big deal, even though it’s the central catalyst for the Declaration of War that was announced this morning?
Ambassador: This is all Israel’s fault. Israel is the bad guy.
Interviewer: Um, thank you for your input. Now on to someone who hasn’t been replaced by a broken droid…

This entry was posted on Thursday, July 13th, 2006 at 8:35 pm and is filed under Current Affairs. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.