Large phone companies and telecom-equipment makers are developing plans that would blow up the flat-fee structure for high-speed Internet access and instead charge customers different rates based on how much bandwidth, or Internet capacity, they use.

Otherwise known as that would really bite.

Call me to say you spoke with the listing agent today and the contract previously pending on the house we wanted to buy fell through, and that we now have the option to step in and negotiate a contract on our perfect dream house.

YIPPPPPEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Put an offer on our perfect dream house the day we find it. GRRRRRR.

Yesterday, I almost wrote an elloquent description of this fabulous house we found on Sunday. It was, without a doubt, the best house for us that we had seen in our search of over 20 houses and we were going to buy it. It was exactly what we were looking for in every respect.

Our real estate agent called yesterday to start negotiations and BAM. Somebody beat us to it. Then we discovered that somebody has also beat us to our second choice home.

Back to square one. Sigh.

Hire a person to answer and take phone orders who doesn’t understand English.

Call up our office and ask how many of our products are floating around in Texas. When I tell you there’s really no way to get an accurate figure on that, tell me you weren’t born yesterday.

First of all, I could care less when you were born. Second, I have neither the inclination nor imagination to make up answers to distributor questions just to see how naive you are. To assume that I’m deliberately trying to mislead you is insulting and inappropriate.

Then, respond to my silence by telling me you’re a “smart ass” as though it’s some kind of ailment that excuses rude behavior and THE COMPLETE LACK OF DISCERNMENT BETWEEN “WITTY” AND “OFFENSIVE.” That’s not a smart-ass. That’s just an ass.

And it’s not an apology when you’re proud of it.