Anybody know what a “cruller” is?

We’re shopping for a house right now. And discovering once again that this kind of thing is always more complicated than you think it’s going to be.
First there’s the mortgage, and the fact that the myriad of mortgage calculators available online are virtually useless because they never seem to match what the bank seems to think you can afford, nor can they estimate important stuff like property taxes which have quite the impact on your monthly payment.
And mortgage paperwork is insane. Two months records of this, three months of that, last year’s this, your most recent that, every piece of identification you have available. Sign here, here, and here. And here. And here. Oh and here, here, here, here, here, no just initial there and there, sign here, here and here.
The timing is also quite crucial. If your lease expires in June, you want to close on a house in June because that way you get to skip any housing payments in July and can therefore use the money for moving expenses, closing costs, etc. So if you start your search early and find a house you like, you end up waiting around until the proper time to make an offer, just so you can close at the right time. But if you don’t start searching early enough, you end up being unable to see all the options and possibilities available, and wonder if you’re purchasing a second choice instead of “the one that got away.”
Sigh.
One day things will be simple. They will.

I can’t express how totally awesome I feel today.

Went to the DPS to (finally) get a Texas Driver License. And to Office Depot.

With my fly down.

Yeah, I’m that cool.

I have hit a new revelation. I am the first woman in the history of the world to ever have gone through the first six months of pregnancy.

I draw this conclusion from the fact that apparently I’m the only person in the entire country ever to outgrow the waistline on a regular pair of pants, yet need maternity clothing that isn’t abso-freakin-lutely-huge-i-mongous.

Seriously. Normal clothing doesn’t fit anymore, but when I walk into a maternity store and try on the smallest size they have available, I could fit three camels and a polar bear in those pants with me. Kids, don’t try that at home.

As in, I stand up and the pants don’t stand with me. Not gonna happen. So I ask the girl at the counter what they do for women who are in the “in-between” stage and she shows me this thing called a Bella-something. It’s basically an ace bandage that you’re supposed to wrap around your gianormous pants to hold them on.

Chic. We’re talking some serious style.

“Or you can wear your normal pants unbuttoned and put this thing around the top to hold them up.”

You have got to be kidding me. You’re telling me that after millions and billions and trillions of pregnancies throughout the history of the world, NOBODY has come up with a real solution to the first six months of growing waistline?

I have just decided upon the first living-vicariously-parental-aspiration for my child.

J and I went browsing this weekend for a new house and based upon what we witnessed, we would like to offer the following suggestions for anyone out there who may be wondering why their house has been on the market for a long time:

1. Your selling agent has called and told you when we will be coming by. Take the hint and LEAVE. I do not want to be opening your closet while you’re standing there.
2. If you insist on sticking around while people browse through your house, please wait until we are gone before taking that HUGE SMELLY DUMP THAT STINKS UP THE ENTIRE TOP FLOOR. You know, I may have wanted to see that bathroom, or any part of the upstairs for that matter.
3. If you choose to vacate the house, take all your children with you, even if you think your 3-year-old will sleep through an avalanche. We are homebuyers (and strangers!), not babysitters. Don’t make me call Child Welfare.
4. Do not lie in the realtor’s description of the property. If your house hasn’t been recently painted, WE WILL KNOW when we show up and there are dirt smudges all over the walls. And we will wonder what else you lied about.
5. It helps if the house looks as though it’s been cleaned sometime in the last 5 years.
6. If you have 3 dogs and 2 cats, please stop kidding yourself with that puny little air freshner. YOUR HOUSE STINKS. Have your pets and your carpets professionally cleaned. And wipe WHATEVER THAT IS off the wall.
7. You may think that despite the fact that you have removed all the furniture from the house, the pair of sandals on the porch give it a “homey” feeling. The dead bird in the shoe does NOT, however, support your cause.
8. If your weeds are taller than your trees, you might be a … turnoff.
9. Please refrain from cooking overly oderous ethnic meals within 24 hours before showing your house. I’m sure the food tasted great at the time, but the stale after-smells make us wonder what died in your kitchen.
10. If you have a dog that is not fully potty trained, please do not leave it roaming free around the house while you’re away. Yes, puppies are cute. But we’re not buying the puppy, and we’re certainly not buying the carpet he’s currently tracking poop all over.