While pregnant, I didn’t suffer from the binge eating and cravings that I hear are so common. No, throughout the length of the pregnancy, I ate pretty much as I had eaten before - with the occasional allowance for an extra morsel of chocolate during the day.
Then I had the baby. And everything hit me. I was constantly starving. If I didn’t get to eat lunch by 11:00am, I would start chewing my arm. I ate larger portions, more frequent meals and I regularly started craving chocolate and sweets - which I consumed in an almost unchecked manner.
While I was breastfeeding, this didn’t really seem to be an issue. I didn’t put on weight. In fact, I lost my pregancy weight in about two weeks.
But about three months later, I stopped breastfeeding, due to the effect a bout of food poisoning had on my milk supply. And then it all came down around my ears. My eating had become more than a caloric desire…it was a habit. And habits are hard to break.
The other day, I got a larger size sandwich than I usually do, under the theory that it would fill me up so I wouldn’t be a victim of the mid-afternoon sweets cravings that plague me just about every day. While on my way to the vending machine a few hours later, I realized the flaw in my plan: I don’t eat because I’m hungry. I eat (junk) because I want to. Because I get temporary gratification out of cookies, chocolate and other sweets that are forbidden on any reasonable diet. And like a cocaine habit, no amount of rice cakes or salads are going to meet that need.
I’ve gained weight. I hate it. My clothes don’t fit and I hate looking at my reflection. And yet, I’m afraid to commit to doing something about it because I fear failure. Truth be told, I hate exercising and have never been able to successfully set up a routine. The only way I have ever lost weight is to diet. And right now, the very idea frightens me because it means giving up my addiction.
At this very moment, I’m craving some peanut butter M&Ms. J says I’m the only person on the planet who likes peanut butter M&Ms better than peanut M&Ms. He may be right.
I wonder if they have rehab programs for sweet junkies.
