So…every once in a while I’m trucking through life and I trip over a rock that makes me reevaluate a major segment of my world that I’ve always taken for granted.

Take today, for instance. Did you know that when my dad was young, he once had to talk his mom out of committing suicide when he walked into her room and she was standing in there with a loaded pistol in her hand?

What? You didn’t know that?

I didn’t either.

My grandfather was in the other room and the two of them had just had one of many major blowout arguments, and my dad was playing the mediator, as usual.

As a direct result of the role he played in his parents’ marriage, my dad has always been extremely anti-confrontational. I have known that for a long time.

But I have never heard this story before.

Actually, I still haven’t heard it from him. I found out from J … apparently it came up in conversation while we were helping them move today.

The truth is, J has learned a lot more about my family history by simply being inquisitive and conversational over the past 5 years than I have ever learned. Most of the “dirt” I know is stuff I found out through him. Which makes me wonder…

This kind of story sheds a whole new light on my grandmother. What else don’t I know about the past that would color my viewpoint? My parents were always of the mentality when we were younger of shielding my brother and me from the “darker” side of the past and present. They never fought in front of us, never spoke poorly of relatives, and kept stories of strife to themselves.

I had a very happy childhood and grew up thinking that everything was roses. As I matured, I adjusted to the reality that this isn’t always the case, but if nobody brings it to my attention that things aren’t all hunky-dorey, it just never occurs to me to suspect otherwise. It never occurred to me that the above scenario was even an option.

I don’t know how J and my dad got into that conversation. But I know that it’s probably not a conversation I would have with my dad. Because it never occurs to me to delve deeper like that. On the whole, I guess my conversations with my parents are relatively shallow. Moreso with my dad than with my mom because she’s more willing to volunteer information about subjects that have hurt her in the past. For instance, I know all about her dad and what a scoundrel he was.

So I guess the bottom line is…I’ve come to the realization that there’s probably more to my parents’ history than I know. Particularly on my dad’s side. And I’m at fault for never inquiring about things as an adult. Or never seeing the need to inquire about things that happened before me. Which makes me sound pretty self-absorbed. Perhaps that’s an accurate assessment.

Button threw her hairbrush in the toilet today. It was like an epiphany.  I think I heard her gasp in gleeful amazement.
Gone are the days of leaving the bathroom door open, or sitting down without first inspecting the contents of the bowl. Sigh.

Well, I got my project.  Boss wants me to put a website together.  Do I have the first idea about how to create a website?  Not so much.  I mean, I tinker with templates in WordPress, but an actual website?  I have only a basic knowledge of HTML and no editing software.
This could get interesting…

Approximately 25% of the people in my blogroll* suffer from some form of depression. Those are the ones I know of because I’ve seen them write about it. It’s possible that statistic is higher.

So I want to be clear about something because it’s easy to read a post about someone in a slump and think “depression.”

I do not and have never suffered from depression. So don’t try to medicate me.

That said, I’m in a slump right now.

For the most part, I live my life in anticipation. I’m constantly looking forward to something, in the middle of accomplishing something or searching for something specific. It motivates me. This characteristic reveals itself in the myriad of projects I undertake for the sheer delight in producing something. Whether it be via work, online, crafting, whatever…there is always something I’m planning, researching, undertaking, creating, whatever.

I don’t have anything going right now. I don’t have anything that has sparked my interest enough to say, “I want to do THAT.”

And it’s kind of depressing. In the non-clinical sense. I’m missing the spark that usually drives me through life so quickly. And suddenly things are…dull. And I’m not motivated. And I’m bored with the things that usually interest me.

Sigh.

Here’s hoping my next scheme/idea/project/desire will pop up soon.

*BTW, take a look at my new blogroll - I’ve made some changes!  I got tired of the boring and nonpersonal nature of blogroll lists.