I love living in a place where everybody freaks out when it snows.  Offices close, school lets out, and there’s nobody on the road despite the lack of hazardous driving conditions.

And my dog runs around the back yard in a frantic panic because he has to poo but doesn’t want to stop long enough for the snow to stick to his feet.

Today is J’s birthday.  For the next 3 months, I get to tease him about being an old, decrepit loser while I remain wrapped in the essence of youth.

Then I have a birthday and that same age becomes no longer an indication of having one foot in the grave, but a perfect representation of health and vitality.

Happy Birthday, Old Fart.

I accidentally spent $50 on Amazon.com. You know that button that says “Buy Now with 1-Click?” Yeah. They mean that.

If you press that button there will be no order confirmation, no chance to change any of the details. Just a page that says “YOUR ORDER HAS BEEN PLACED. IF THIS WAS AN ACCIDENT, TOO BAD. IF YOU ARE STUPID ENOUGH TO PUSH THE 1-CLICK BUTTON OUT OF CURIOSITY, CONSIDER YOURSELF LUCKY THAT WE’RE SENDING YOU THE PRODUCTS INSTEAD OF JUST CHARGING YOU AN IDIOT SHOPPER FEE.” Or something to that effect.

I am a fickle online purchaser. I make my selections, carefully weed out my cart until it contains the perfect blend of absolute necessities. I proceed to checkout, enter my card information, then delete my entire cart and cancel the order.

It’s probably some kind of neurosis with a long scientific name that is easily treatable with medications, and I should probably see somebody about that. But those medications are probably expensive and cause weight gain as a side effect and frankly, I’d rather be crazy than poor and fat.

But the fact remains, when I don’t get the chance to confirm and cancel my order, it kind of unsettles me.

That, and that $50 came out of the “Christmas fund” so J is all pissed off now because a) we have $50 less to spend on family, and b) he was going to give those books to me for Christmas.

And you wanna know the really sick part? I could probably find a way to cancel the order before anything has been shipped. Yet somehow, I just can’t bring myself to do it.

Santa is totally bringing me coal this year.

The Scene:

Button (13 months old) is packing away her favorite food: grapes.  She selects one and moves it toward her mouth, anticipating the taste that prompts a delighted “Mmmmm” after every. single. bite.  Yes folks - they are JUST. THAT. GOOD. 

She opens her mouth to receive the grape, but it slips from her fingers and she watches it fall to the floor.  Her mouth pouts and her brows furrow.

“Damn.”

I swear, she didn’t learn that from us.

No, really.

Damn.

I hope you all enjoy the day of stuffing yourselves silly and lounging around pretending to watch football so nobody sees that you’re really napping with your eyes open. Or maybe that’s just me.

We’re having a low-key thanksgiving this year. That will be a big change. Every year we do an enormous gathering with my extended family. There are about 40 people and everybody brings their kids and food and it’s absolute chaos. All the women end up in the kitchen and all the men end up in front of the TV. Except me - I usually hang out with the guys because why would I voluntarily spend time in a kitchen, especially one that already has 20 people in it?

This year, we did the whole mass gathering early due to scheduling conflicts. So today it’s just my little immediate family and some decent food. I have no plans for stuffing myself silly, and I will feel quite comfortable going upstairs to take a nap during football instead of avoiding the appearances of anti-socialness to stare blankly at a screen of large men in tight pants running into each other.

It’s in the 70s here today so it should be a great day to take Button outside and walk off that meal. Maybe if I walk her around long and hard enough she’ll actually TAKE A FRIGGIN NAP TODAY, a chore she has seen unfit to participate in as of late. Yesterday I spent 3 hours trying to get her to take a 30 minute nap.

I’ve discovered that refusing to nap is the one thing my child does that can absolutely make me lose my mind as a parent. DOESN’T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT SHE NEEDS TO NAP? DOESN’T SHE UNDERSTAND THAT I NEED HER TO NAP???

Anyway, Happy Turkey Day. May the food and naps abound.