The IRS are a bunch of idiots.  In 2005, we paid a lady a total of $848 in commissions.  She just got a bill from the IRS stating that she owes them over $36,000 in taxes off the money we paid her in 2005.  Evidently they added a few extra zeros to the 1099 information we sent them.  Dummies.

Way to go, Sheila!

Tomorrow is my birthday. In honor of such, I bought myself a much-needed birthday present: 7 new DVDs of BTB episodes.

No, I don’t have a BTB fettish…but Button does. And we only have two. And we’ve been watching the same two over and over and over and I’ve got them both memorized and as much as I prefer BTB to some of the other wackos that people let their kids watch, if I have to see those same episodes any more my head is going to explode.

It’s tradition in my family to take the birthday girl/boy out for dinner at a restaurant of his/her choosing. My parents asked me where I wanted to go and I said something like, “I really want crab. I’d say Red Lobster, but I know Iris doesn’t like seafood and I don’t think they have much there besides seafood.”

Their immediate response was, “That’s irrelevant, it’s your birthday so if you want to pick Red Lobster, then pick Red Lobster.” I said, “Ok. I want to go to Red Lobster.”

Ever since that conversation, they’ve been trying to talk me out of going to Red Lobster. They’ve offered lots of other more expensive places, and my answer has always been the same: That’s fine if you guys really want to go there. But if it’s up to me, I’d rather go to Red Lobster.

They called me the other day and said, “You HAVE to give us SOME ideas for what you want for your birthday!” I can’t think of much this year in the way of gift ideas, but eventually I did come up with one idea.

The next day my mom tried to talk me out of it. “Are you sure you want that? What if they wrap you up too tight?”

What if they…huh???

Next time I should just send out invitations:

Please come to my Birthday Dinner, at __________________.

Gift ideas: _____________, ________________, and __________________.

Please fill in appropriate fields with what you were hoping I would say, because I probably wouldn’t get it right anyway.

The wind is so strong here today that it’s blowing the birds right out of the trees. There are shingles in the alleyway from various people’s houses and the sky/air outside is this weird yellowish color because so much sand/dust has been blown up into the air that when you go check the mail, you can feel the grit of it in your teeth. I don’t recall opening my mouth when I checked the mail, and yet I have sand in my teeth.

All the trash/recycling bins have toppled over and our backyard chairs have been blown up against the house. The closed umbrella is now prostrate on the ground. Every time there’s a breeze, the window in our master bath whistles. Today it sounds like there’s a train going through there.

Whatever this is blowing in, I wish it would just get here already.

And in other news, the salon where Britney shaved off her hair is selling the locks for $1,000 per strand. It strikes me as sad when celebrities reach such a superhuman status that people become willing and eager to make a profit on a person’s display of emotional instability.

I can only recall one time in my life in which I’ve experienced truly paralyzing, spine-tingling fear - the kind that breaches the emotional realm and becomes physical*.

In high school I dated a Mormon boy. He was a nice boy, very intelligent, and we got along very well because we had a similar sense of humor and I enjoyed his stories and intellectual discussion.

He was also very religiously devout. One day he brought me a copy of The Book of Mormon and asked that I read it. There’s a claim that those who read the book will know its truth because they will feel a burning in the chest. At least, I think that’s how it goes - it’s been several years.

Though rather underdeveloped in practice, I have always had a strong interest in learning about other religions, so I was interested to read the book. That night, I went to bed early so I could devote some time to it, and started at the beginning.

I got through a few chapters and suddenly became acutely aware of the perception that I was no longer alone in my room. I glanced up at the doorway. There was nobody there.

Then something brought my gaze to the papazan chair in the corner of my room. And there I saw them. There were two. Two, quite distinct and separate…

Beings. I don’t know how to describe them. I could see them. But couldn’t. It was like looking at two voids in space. Two … living … shadowy … voids. One sat in the chair, and the other seemed to perch on the side of it. They sat there and looked at me with eyes that I couldn’t see.

Fear. Bone-chilling terror like I have never experienced before or since shot straight through my body.

My arms and muscles became completely incapable of responding to any command from my brain. I was rendered physically unable to move, completely frozen, able to do nothing but stare at my supernatural visitors.

The beings didn’t move and didn’t show any physical signs of aggression. It was though they were simply there to observe me, to be present.

And yet they were ominous in a way I can only describe as evil. Not “evil” in the sense that our Commander in Chief defines terrorists, which is a weak descriptor of deed or thought.

Evil in substance, something that is menacing in its very existence, a physical incarnation of the unimaginable, like a black hole.

I sat there for what seemed like hours, though I know it was only minutes - bound captive in my frozen state.

Eventually, I let out a prayer. It was nothing more than a whisper for deliverance, a simple, shaky invocation of something my mother taught me.

And they left.

I sat there in solitude, staring at the utter emptiness of my room, questioning my own sanity. Would they return? Did I really see them? What did they want?

Eventually, I laid the book down, turned off the light and went to sleep.

I told the boy what had happened. He quickly consulted his elder and reported back to me the determination that because I was opening a book of Truth, demons had been sent to me to frighten me away from it and prevent its revelation to me.

I kept the book. That was the last time I read from it though.

*There is a train of thought that brought me to this, which I will deal with in a later (most likely private) post.