The nursery worker at church keeps trying to get us to volunteer in the nursery. But I don’t want to. Because, why?

I’m afraid of children.

Is that completely asinine and absurd, taking into consideration that I have a child of my own?

Yes.

Is it true nonetheless?

Yes.

My first babysitting job was a 12 hour gig. I was taking care of two hellions, the sons of my middle school drama teacher. So not only was it torture from start to finish, I was under political pressure to succeed. I don’t think I did, since she never asked me to babysit again. And that was fine by me.

I think I babysat approximately 3 times. Ever. Why? Because I have a really irrational fear of other people’s kids. I just don’t know what to do with them. I thought that would probably change once I had one of my own, but no.

Some friends of ours have taken care of Button for short periods of time and we have pledged to return the favor and when they ask, we will do it willingly and gladly. But there will always be a part of me that wigs out just a little at the thought, and you can be sure that J will be there.

I have come to the conclusion that I just don’t know how to be a kid. There are people who interact with children fabulously, and many of these people have a “child-like” side to their personality. I just don’t have that. I sort of remember being a kid, but I can’t seem to remember HOW to be a kid.

I have guilt sometimes about my mommying abilities because I get terribly bored playing baby games. Reading baby books (especially more than once) can make me want to bash my head into the nearest wall. Colors, shapes, numbers…it’s like ADD takes over my brain and I can’t concentrate on something so basic. My mom can sit and play with LB for hours. HOURS. I just can’t. I get bored and it’s like torture to my mind.

That’s probably why Button seems to prefer spending time with Grandmommy. I guess I’m just glad that there’s somebody available to her that can jump into her world and stay there for more than 20 minutes at a time.

Although I will say that my attention span of kid-activities is growing now that she’s able to do some more interactive things. But still, there are only so many times I can willingly break out the “BUBBLES!” in a single day.

And is it me, or are Baby Einstein books the most boring, stupid, pretentious things in the world? I mean, what makes them think that my 1-year-old needs to learn about impressionist artwork? And talk about dull - like, “I’d rather sit around and count grains of rice,” dull.

We need to get more good old-fashioned storybooks.  You remember, the ones with characters and a plot?  Any suggestions?

I was informed today that the technical term for it is “irritability,” but the fact is, I’ve learned first hand over the past several days that one of the common side effects of flushing toxins out of my body is a raging case of that PMS I’ve never suffered with.

I think J is about ready to head for the hills.

Stupid WordPress problem (the problem is stupid, not WP…I heart WP) has been plaguing me for a few months now and I was really hoping the upgrade to the latest version would help, but it didn’t, but I FIXED IT!

I found the answer and I FIXED IT!

And no, I’m not going to tell you what it was because then you’ll be like, “Oh, was that all?” instead of what you should be thinking, which is “Wow, you must be some kind of WordPress GURU!”

That is really what you’re thinking, isn’t it? Because come on, y’all, I FIXED IT!

Should you find yourself on a diet program which requires “fasting” days on which you cannot eat food… it is not a good idea to go grocery shopping on that day.

It is especially not a good idea to go to Whole Foods where they are handing out free samples of meat, pasta, smoothies, fruit, cheese and other assorted meal items during one of their Tastes of the World food tours.

By the time we left, it was all I could do to keep from eating my arm.

So today is our weekly “Cleanse” day. It’s basically a liquid fast. No food, but you drink this fortified juice stuff 4 times during the day and eat “snack” tablets.

The tablets are ok (if you like chocolate Tums), but the juice tastes like a berry-flavored foot. With a touch of gangrene.

I think you’re supposed to mix it with water but it’s so bad we’ve taken to just chugging it straight, before our mouths register the taste - then follow quickly with gulps of vodka some other energy juice we’re allowed to drink.

The hardest part is that lb hasn’t been eating too well recently so I spend all day offering her whole milk and yogurt and turkey and cheese and bread with honey and ground beef and pasta, only to have her turn her nose up at it, and I’m like CHILD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, CAN YOU NOT SEE THE HEAVENLY DELICACIES POURED OUT BEFORE YOU???

Because seriously, the dog is eating better than me today.