I was going to write something worth reading today because I’m back in the office, where we have that mysterious and highly desirable thing called a functional internet connection.  But my head hurts so bad today that I’m not sure I’m going to make it to the end of the day without my eyes falling out of their sockets.

Sorry.

We’re in the new house.  Finally.  Closing was a hugely painful ordeal.  Will explain sometime later.

Apologies for not responding to comments or  emails.  We have no internet or phones until sometime in September (a result of the hugely painful closing).  Right now I’m mooching off the neighbors but the signal is so low that the connection goes out every 45 seconds.  So for the most part I’m not even bothering with it.

Which means I’m not reading blogs either.  Again, sorry.

Leaving on a weekend business trip tomorrow.  The house is a wreck.  Company coming into town tomorrow too.  Bad time for a business trip.

Hopefully I can get this posted before the internet connection wigs out.

I love it when things work out exactly the way I hoped they would. Even though it was a major pain, the last minute problem with the appraisal turned out to be in our favor because the relocation company (in record-breaking decision-making time) just decided to drop the price on the house. So now we’re getting the same great house for less money and hopefully we’ll still be able to close on time. We won’t know until the last minute, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed.

And in other news, I was sitting at my computer when I started hearing these strangely suspicious popping noises coming from the living room…

It has now been confirmed that the innate obsession with popping bubble wrap has nothing to do with learned behavior and can only be instinctual.

Caught!

• I hurt myself from yawning too big.  I think I overstretched the tendon that connects my jaws or something.  I know.  I’m now in competition with Sammy Sosa for lamest injuries.  I wonder if Workers Comp covers that kind of thing.  It was the boredom brought on by my job that forced me to yawn, after all.
• I dreamed that I had an affair.  With J.  No idea who I was actually married to in the dream.  But J’s conscience got the best of him at the last second and he backed out on me.  So I woke up guilty, bummed, grumpy, and horny.  I hate dreams.
• After 4 years, my dog has just discovered that he has a penis.  He has been licking it for 48 hours straight.  It’s driving us crazy, especially since he sleeps in our room and he’s decided that licking himself is more fun than sleeping.
• Don’t buy hair dye that costs less than $10.  Especially if you use white towels and don’t want to see it bleeding onto your towel 4 days after you’ve colored your hair.  Just saying.
• Also, don’t believe the stuff on the box of cheap hair dye that says it comes with highlights and lowlights and multi-faceted color that doesn’t damage your hair.  Bollocks.
• Tomorrow we close on the house we’re selling.
• Tomorrow we’re supposed to close on the house we’re buying.
• Yesterday we found out that the house didn’t appraise for near what we had agreed to pay for it, so now our financing is messed up.
• The appraiser totally discounted the sunroom, which would have made up the difference in the appraisal price.  He refused to count it as part of the square footage of the house (as a previous appraiser had done) because it didn’t have duct work or something.  But since nobody else in the neighborhood has a sunroom, he couldn’t find “comps” so he just didn’t give it any value at all.
• Because, you know, if nobody else has one then it must have been free to install.
• Apparently if you can’t find one just like it then it’s easier just to pretend it doesn’t exist at all than to do some more research and assign a value based on an educated guess.
• Lazy ass.
• So we’ve asked the relocation company to lower the price on the house because it doesn’t make much sense to pay more than a house is actually worth.
• But it’s a relocation company and it will probably take them a week to get back to us because when you have 150 middlemen, things don’t move too quickly.
• And we don’t know what they’re going to say.
• So we don’t know if or when we’ll be closing.
• Annoying, since we’re supposed to move out of our house in 2 days.
• Regardless, we have to disassemble and pack up our computer tonight or tomorrow, so I’ll probably be offline for a few days.
• Bummer dude.

The underwear was still in the dryer when Button and I got through with our shower this morning. With a towel around my head, I peeked out of the upstairs bedroom door to see if there were any observant passersby through the large window that looks in on our balcony. No one was out there, so I did my Lightning Judo Sprint and rushed across the balcony to the stairs. J gives me a hard time for being paranoid about somebody looking into our house and seeing me naked.

The blinds on the rest of the front windows were closed, so once I made it down the stairs I was pretty much safe. I had left Button in the shower and she was calling something to me, so I stopped at the bottom of the stairs and called back to her.

It was then that I noticed some movement directly in front of me. A man with a tape measure standing at the back door (which is one giant window) was throwing his hand over his eyes and whirling away from the door.

Shrieking some expletive or another, I pulled out another one of my Ninja moves and dove across the living room into the bathroom. The dog started barking. I was trapped in the bathroom with no way to get to my clothing. J came down the stairs after the barking dog and I whimpered something to him about who the hell was looking into our back door and PLEASE BRING ME SOME UNDERWEAR.

He did, but not before stopping by the bathroom to laugh at my misfortune, not unlike the time I stood around laughing at him when Little Button sprayed him with globs of projectile poo three times during the course of a single diaper change. We have that kind of supportive relationship.

Evidently, the Title Company had sent some guys over to do a land survey. J knew they were here because he answered the door while I was in the shower. He swears he yelled upstairs to me that they were here.

I don’t know what was worse: the fact that I full-on exposed myself to a perfect stranger, or his reaction of running away at the sight of my nudity. Perhaps it’s time to do some grooming…